Tuesday, May 13, 2014

to be or not to be.. not to be is the definite answer

To be or not to be … not to be is the definite answer

Well, that’s what seems to be willed to be. As I spent the last week draining my energy out thinking and applying for visas, it was another time feeling dragged into a corner. I don’t know what is it really. Why is it so hard for me to submit to the fact that it is normal to apply for a visa? Everyone does. Well, almost everyone does. 
Each time I have to think while filling an application form, of how hard it is anyway. I have my name written wrongly each time, the Jordanians skip a letter, and the Israelis change the whole format of the name. And my name is another name. As I always think of it, being a Palestinian with a Jordanian nationality written on your Israeli travelling document, holding a temporarily Jordanian passport residing Jerusalem doesn’t seem to be that easy for regular speculation. 
So applying for a visa, wit hall those documents, fingerprints, proves that I will come back from the promised heaven I will launch myself to. A paper proving that I work, another proving my financial situation, an invitation, a ticket, why, how where and how much, and then we have to pay. Applying for a visa should be a good business. 
I know I am a Palestinian with lack of gratitude. I don’t know. As I have been also recently thinking, it must be that Cleopatra reincarnated soul in me that is being punished this way, not submitting to the fact that being a Palestinian means probably being lesser of a human being. 
Oh, and if I am complaining about the Schengen area, who honestly seemed great in comparison to the British. Well, a Palestinian thinking of sending her son to London for some time is not really the best idea a Palestinian can think of. Paying for courses, flights, accommodation is something, applying for the visa is another. Online application, with no human factors. The human employee actually is not assigned to talk to you while you apply (she made an exception actually to me since she knows me “well” by telling me all the things she shouldn’t tell me in the wrong paper I had with me. so if she doesn’t tell me, who is supposed to tell me. I don’t know if we Palestinians as a general rule want to travel outside this rotten place because we always or generally have a plan to leave to heaven. 
I really don’t understand why does the world treat us this way. 
First they strip us away from a country. We don’t even know if we ever had a country. Whatever we had they give it t away and make it Israel. Israel has more than three millions of its citizens residing outside Israel, and we Palestinians inside the West bank and Gaza barely close the three million altogether, and in addition to Israel locking us behind walls and barriers, inside slums and enclaves, the world makes sure that we have the utmost restrictions. 
So what is it exactly, they want to get rid of us for the sake of Israel from one side, and they are afraid we go and stay in their countries from another. Can’t the world get it yet that we are not exactly interested in leaving this place? Well, yes, I wish I did. But that is not the case. 
What is it seriously , that makes the world treats us the way it does. I understand we Palestinians have failed ourselves recently . But what is it about us that makes them cautious of us . Is it this realization that the injustice that is thrown on us as people is so unbearable and one day we will just explode ? is it that no normal humans can bear it in such a way for so long ? 

I understand that I am a spoilt person after all .. I lack gratitude towards those who help me and my people . But somehow , I don’t know if it is their demand to make me more of liberal and aware to my needs as a human being that is moving me . What I know is that there is something inside me that is resisting such way of life. Something inside me that cannot see this as life. Something inside me insists that there is something else of life … Is it reliance . Or is it naïve arrogance . I really don’t know .